You're a Mean One...

Green is definitely my color.

I have a confession to make. I am a grinch.

Well, I was.

I'm not proud of this. There are a lot of reasons for why the holiday season isn't historically the best of times for me. Seasonal Affective Disorder is part of it, but only part. The rest I can most likely trace back to my youth, but I'm not a huge fan of flashbacks, so we're not going there for the moment. Maybe I'll circle back around to that stuff in another post.

Let's just say that I haven't always been the most pleasant person come December.

This year is different. After 47 (holy hell, I'm getting old) years of having incredibly mixed feelings about the season (I always wanted to love it, y'all, I really did), I seem to be truly enjoying this time of year. It still gets dark super early. It's cold. There's snow (actually, I like the snow most of the time--just not when I have to clear it off my driveway). The annoying crowds at practically every store around are still busy thronging, or whatever it is that mobs do.

No, no that kind of mob. Ugh. So. Much. Flashing.

Despite the abundance of these things that are fairly typical of this time of year, I'm find that I'm happy. Sincerely, blissfully, serenely happy. Not forced cheerfulness. No faked smiles. I'm really enjoying my experience of preparing for the holidays.

I put up Christmas lights. I'm helping to wrap the presents (without being asked or even prompted). I'm assisting with the Christmas candy and cookie making.

Y'all, we sent out CHRISTMAS CARDS.

It's an effing Christmas miracle.

A lot of my newfound joy in the season comes from getting healthier mentally. I'm taking meds, seeing a therapist on the regular, doing everything I can to set my personal relationships to rights. I'm making connections.

There's something magical that happens when we connect. In order to connect, we have to make ourselves vulnerable. There has to be a willingness to risk... many times to risk first. But when we do it and the connection comes, the reward is so much greater than the price paid.

It doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes we open only to have the gift of our heart rejected. Here's what I say to that. That rejection says nothing about us or our worthiness. It has everything to do with the person doing the rejecting.

That doesn't mean it hurts any less, though.

With all that said, I want to encourage everyone reading this (all three of you!) to find some small way to reach out during this holiday season. Risk just a little. Open just a tad more than you think you can.

I promise I'll be busy doing the same.